The purpose of this gathering was simple.. it was to unveil the first new album from Bryan Shields in over 25 years. The highly anticipated follow up to “love pets less” has been rumoured to be the music of god himself. Which god.. take your pick.. they all work… I prefer the god of scientology..

Each of the invitations read loudly
“Meet…. Me…..Brian…..Yes Brian….Shields….. At….The time..before time… of…4:37..the am…or the pm….standard Glasgow time….At the Advancement for Summer Olympics Athletes.. Yellowknife… Canada… Be Sharp…not dull…yours truly.. The happy easter company.. delivering for… Brian Shields”
Our tale of misfourtune begins earnestly at the meeting shop, main street Yellowknife. All of our guests met and shook hands, murtle shook hands with The Weasel and the weasel shook hands with the princess, everyone shook hands with everyone else, except for Henry Blanco, nobody noticed he was there. It was like he was invisible, like that invisible man played by chevi chase, I think it was chevi chase, or it could have been Kevin bacon, I love bacon. Sausage
The guest all met at the gooly hour of 5 pm from which a milk maid on cowback and giant wheelbarrow entered the meeting shop and prepared the guests for their quick gruelling trip up to Brian Shields estate.  

Milk Maid “Good evening dear feltchs and lowrys, I am Mr Sheilds Milk Maid and I am here in service to represent his wishes that you do not milk the cows, but that you only come up with me…. In the barrow.To his prestigious estate.
Blanco “ Were these barrows used for churning butter?”
Milk Maid “At the mansion you all will receive breakfast for dinner and Mr. Sheilds will tell you all about his fantabulous album.. of course you won’t get to hear it until the morning. So hop on in all… this is a quick yet makery type of a trip.”
Burtha “ I love trips that use airplanes”
Weseal “ I’m always in airplanes hosting my shows.. I usually make my assistents scream before take off “THE PLANES GOING DOWN .. THE PLANES GOING DOWN” but we’re not even in the air and people are looking outside going “HEY THE PLANES NOT ON EVEN OFF THE GROUND” then I say hey its an optical illusion, we’re not even off the ground we’re really in the air we’re all going to die.. run run…run for the hills if we can find a hill.. and then the people just start running… so that’s why I had to get my own private jet”
Donny “ I love hills”
Murtle “Oh yes.. hills are fantabulous..”
Donny “the hills are alive you know”
Maid “ could you please all get in the barrow.. I have to put on the lid… “
Princess “ this is no way for a princess to travel”
Maid “we’ll I’m sitting on top princess, and you should feel gradlicked that I didn’t eat grandmas hindu pudding so ferry you’re way down there if you please.. it’s a bumpy ride”
Jesse “I found a peanut in the bottom of the barrow… it tastes like licosish”
Henry “I lost a great aunt to licorish food poisoning, it was a tramatising experience, changed my life changed my whole family”

Blanco “That sounds like a creeking door noise, doesn’t it”
Jesse “That here sounds like one of those creeking doors, you know”
Burtha “Yes Jesse, it does, it really does”
Murtle “I wonder if he’ll have a butler?”
Princess “I’ve never had a butler”
Burtha “Member that butler Mr. Belvadeer.. He was a very funny Butler wasn’t he”
Weasel “ I’m thinking about creating a movie remake about the Mr. Belvadeer concept.. it’s going to star someone really fat because Americans love really fat funny guys”
Murtle “What if we were all fat .. wouldn’t that be funny”

Narator “ At that philisopical high point of the evening, an elegantly dressed butler appeared at the front door”

Butler “ Ye hole high Mcderemys, Welcome to Me Mounsouirs wonderful palace. Where dreams are broken and spirits crushed. A magical place that the seven of you will be calling your home for the next few days.”
Donny  “ is there a dog?”
Butler “ no dog “
Donny “then it really isn’t home, my home has three dogs.. what do you got?”
Butler “We got 56 carpets, 3 swimming pools, a trout lake, the oldest grandfather clock in existence, a modern recording studio, a chef, a milk maid, a normal maid, 36 rooms, 545 desks, 540 of the 545 desks in one giant room, the complete idition of the cosby show, 8 home enterainment units, a state of the art pizzeria plus kitchen, 1 bathroom, 1 outhouse, a driving range, a help yourself bar (my favourite), ballroom dancing lessons, a rock garden, a killer maze that always kills, dinsaurs, expensive china.. from china..well tywon, one cow, one barrow, one barn and alcoholics annonomus meetings every Wednesday at 7 30 in the study”
Donny “But do you have three dogs, my dogs can sit, stay and play dead”
Butler “enough with your freaking dogs. To start off the evening Come in Come in.. take off your coats and jackets and shirts and tops, cause it gets warm in here, average temperature 98 degrees.. body temperature.. the boss thinks it gets rid of the bugs.. but we never had any bugs so I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
Narator “the butler then looked over his shoulder, suspicsiously”
Butler “Shut up yeh bugs, they’ll find out that you’re here, then it’ll be Spanish fever all over again”
Donny “what was that about Spanish fever?”
Butler “oh no, sorry Donny, I was talking about Spanish fever dancing, you know, salsa dancing, I gave that years ago, to many chips”
Blanco “Butler, sorry I never caught your name.. but is there somewhere where I can take off my cleets, my soles are killing me”
Butler “So lets start the tour because mr. shields is still putting finishing touches on the album”
Narator “The butler took the guests on a wild and amazing adventure throughout the house, spanning 33 of the 36 rooms and taking up 6 hours.. it was now 11 o clock and the guest still had not been served their breakfast for dinner.”
Jesse “ This sucks…”
Donny “Yeah don’t you have any rockets.. I love rockets”
Butler “ Well which rockets are you revering to.. the candy.. or the rocket rockets that go into outer space or fly into peoples buildings”
Murtle “ I think he means the candy, like gummie worms right… like how could we have rockets in the house”
Jesse “ No I think he means rocket rockets, There aren’t enough holes in this house”
Donny “I don’t even know what a rocket is.. I just saw that word on this hear napkin and it looked absolutely delightful”
Princess “ I have tea parties, that are also absolutely delightful.. you should come by sometime.”
Weasel “ I was gonna start a reality show about tea parties, with terrorists, it was gonna be called the terrorists tea party…sorta like an experimental rehabilitation program.. the government was all for it because they don’t want to get rid of the terrorists since they funded them all these years.. they figured if they had a tea party the terrorists would calm down a learn to love the united states and go off to become freedom fighters.. bombing for the united states”
Burtha “ I learnt about rehabilitation once, I used to eat a lot and throw up.. now I just don’t eat a lot or just not eat.. and aside from passing out a couple of times an hour.. I feel great.. and boys are always whistleing at me..”
Narator” two random boys walk into the room”
Boy” so I said, you know I said a lot, if you can believe it”
Rogboy” Oh I belive it.. hey look at that boy”
WHISTLE
Burtha “ oh boys.. always with the whistlen….”
Butler” I used to whistle all the way to work, much like the 7 dwarfs, expect I’m tall and they were all small and there were 7 of them and there is only 1 of me so really….Onto this room… as you can see.. this room is…”
Narrator “ the butler clearly has no idea what this room is used for”
Butler “ It is… A giant open space where there is this beautiful scarlet red velvet couch, this long angley sharp descending driveway, this oversized outdated giant telegraph, this cut out poster of Robocop and finally this large bucket filled with honey and jam.. so can anyone guess what this room is used for??”
Princess “I think it used to catch mice.. like in the game mouse trap”
Butler “ exactly moving on”
Jesse “ hold up hold up.. mouse trap.. I never much liked that game.. more of a jenga person myself”
Murtle “ jenga is the life of any party”
Butler “ that and whisky”
Donny “ if I have a cat, I’ll call it whisky, and drink its lushes milk.. and so will my three dogs.. and maybe the cat and my dogs will mate.. and a new super animal will be born.. called cogs.. a combination of cat and dogs you see.. they’ll take over the world and I’ll be there slave… but what a slave I’ll be.. what a slave I’ll be.”
Butler “ well I think we’ve had enough of the tour.. you’ve all seen 34 of the 36 rooms and the 35th room is Mr. Sheilds recording studio where he is at present and Mr. Sheilds forbids even myself to enter the room at any time… I hate him for that… makes me look incompenent… and if there one thing I ain’t…. its happy go lucky… lucks got nothing to do with competence….. so why don’t we all go to the dining room for dinner which is breakfast.. I like to call it Brinner..smart on the brain yet safe for our toes”
Jesse “ what does that mean?”
Narator “ That stupid question was followed  by an evil glaire by the butler as he lead them to dinner.. a dinner that they would never forget.. for as long as they all lived…

The Weasel- so this is the grand dinning room eh? I don’t think it’s so grand.
Butler- You don’t……really. Poofypunchy dinner is scrumchy
Narrator- at that very moment the room (which had only consisted of one small kitchen sized table and four chairs) transformed. Out of the walls came four heads. A cow head that went MOOOO. A duck head that went Quack Quack Quack. A horse head that went naaaaahhhh, and lastly Michael Winslow head from police academy that went bleep blop ping ting. The table thatn was sitting in  the middle of the room transformed into a elegant 45 person maognany table. The carpet on the ground turn into a living breathing carpet that made the guests go up and down with each breath. Lastly big popcorn bowls with chopsticks and Big Gulp claases appeared at everyones tables. The whole event was an earthshattering occurance and had the guests ooing and of course ahhing. To be honest there was more ahhing.

Murtle- That was absolutely fantabulous. I’m old, so old
Jesse- that was better then Optomists Prime from the television trasformers
Donny- An eighties quote now really……haven’t these eighties kitsh words about had there day
The Weasel- actually the television stations have just began running 80’s programming in High definition, and no one has seemed to notice anything is wrong. NBC actually gets calls all the time from people asking how they have brought people back from the dead, and found these actors.
Burtha- How do they bring people back from the dead?
Narrator - Like Henry Blanco?
Princess - Where’d that come from?
The Weasel - who’s henry blanco
Donny - Don’t you remember.. the inquisitive one.. He kept asking questions with no reply. It was quite sad actually
Murtle - Well where is he then?
Jesse - He coulda got stuck in a desk.. I used to always get stuck in desks.. so I’d sleep there..
Burtha – really? was it comfortable? I’ve been thinking about sleeping in desks for a long time
Jesse- It wasn’t to bad.. unless people kept slamming the draws.. that used to hurt my head like hell.. boxes were way more comfortable… you could fold them.. oh the days of the boxes.. how I miss being homeless..
Burtha - what’s holding you back from being homeless?
Jesse - Damn wife and kids.. Goddamn that woman and her moneys. I made a packed with god that if he got me off the street.. I’d start a family.. and take care of them forever..but honestly families suck.. and boxes rule.. I’m gonna make a bumper sticker of that..
Weasel - damn right my brother.
Burtha - amen
Donny - isn’t anyone worried at all about that henry blanco.. that catching phenome gone missing..
Burtha - not really I’m just looking forward to dinner.. and that henry blanco asked to many questions.. like who likes questions anyways.. do you?
Princess - does this mean that a ghost will be our host for dinner?
Donny - what do you mean?
Princess - well all old mansions seem to have ghosts.. and I thought henry blanco might be one because I haven’t seen one so far
Narator- At that moment two ghosts appear in the wall..
Ghost - Hi I’m ghooly the ghost.. and I’m here to scare you… boo… boo…BOOOO….
Ghost2 (wife) - no hunny you have to do it more like this boo… boo….
Ghost - oh look.. they’re not even scared.. they’re laughing at you
Weasel - laughing.. more like howling.. I couldn’t put you on no show about ghosts.. ghosts are supposed to be scary.. people are supposed to go OH my god.. that’s a ghost.. and I’m so scared.. I think I just peed my pants.. and you aren’t scary..
Ghost2- now don’t talk to my husband like that…we’ve been scarin kids since 3 years ago… but the kids just stopped coming…. So we started playing bridge…
Ghost- we don’t have to take this .. “see ya later alligator”
Ghost 2 - “In a while Crocadile”
Narator - the ghosts quickly vanish.. but the ghost smell that you of course must know.. was always there.. and always will be there.. as long as there are ghost smells.. or stuff that smells like ghost.
Princess - where’s brinner
Donny- how could you think about dinner… We are missing one of the guests.. what if something happened to him.. what if he fell down.. what if he’s hurt…that sweet sweet boy.. with the rocket arm…and looks that could kill
Jesse - What are ya getting on about there Donny
Donny- nothing .. other than this.. I LOVE HENRY BLANCO
Narrator - Everyone gasps… as henry blanco was not the kinda guy they wanted donny to fall in love with
Murtle - I thought you were in love with my cousin jimmy
Donny- I only saw a picture of him… on the wagon ride up here
Murtle - it was a good picture
Princess - That henry blancos no good for you.. he’s a blue collar.. dirt sniffin catcher… you’re such a sweet sweet boy.. you deserve better.. you were made for royalty
Donny- what are you getting on about princess?
Princess - nothing..other than that…I LOVE YOU DONNY VANDERBOTTOM
Narrator - Everyone wheezes.. and they all start confessing there true undying love for one another… after a few awkward silences.. the butler..back from his seach for the loc ness monster.. sees the chaos
Butler - damn Nessy.. when are you gonna come back to me.. I love you loc ness monster… ehmmm (clears his throat) .. well I guess its time for brinner.. everyone take there seats..

Narrator- The meal that the guests had finally awaited for instantly appeared in their popcorn bowls, and their big gulp glasses were filled with slurpies that tasted like chocolate pudding. There bowls got a mix of eggs, bacon, sausage, croissants, pancakes, and french toast. The chopsticks placed beside them magically or puppeterized started shaking up the meal to form one big meal. The meal was called The eggbaconsausagecroissantpancakefrenchtoast BIG MEAL.

Princess- I don’t like my food put together. I like to eat things one at a time. My servants that I don’t really have would never give me this disgusting but somewhat enticing meal.
Narrator- At that moment the Chef comes in from a dumb waiter at the end of the hall. The dumb waiter is of course used to send meals to other floors, or used as elevator for small people like Webster.
Chef- hey Princess you don’t like the way I cook.. Well I’ll sing you a song about why it is so good for you to put everything together;
“Putting everything together makes my food taste good
when you can’t notice how nothing on it’s own is actually good
we ran out of real food
so I had to replace most of your meal with plastic
with plastic, with plastic
Our whole world should be made with plastic
I love to smell it when it’s burning
it gives me a strong yeaning
If I could eat one thing tonight
I’d eat plastic, oh plastic
Kill me with plastic
cause really we can’t eat plastic
not even giraffes can eat plastic
and there mouths look to slober up anything
So lets eat plastic, oh plastic
It tastes so good....like a fried Gi Joe, Or Barbie can make me feel right
to bad if you eat your meal you will die tonight....oh die tonight...oh die tonight
WITH PLASTIC”
Jesse- So you’re telling us if we eat this meal we’ll die
Chef- oh most likely...but wouldn’t it be worth it!
Murtle- I don’t think so......my life has been completely pointless, and I’m hoping to correct that....it was my new years resolution. This year I’m gonna try to keep it.....not like last year when I told myself I’d stopped drinking pool......couldn’t cut that habit.....just couldn’t
The Weasel- I had a bad habit one time. The worst kind. I would murder TV executives that didn’t like my show.
Bertha- Do a lot of Tv executives where wigs?
The Weasel- oh most definately. We used to have a game around the office called “who can steal the most wigs in an hour”. I loved it. I would be running around the office with like ten wigs trying em on in-front of my friends. I used to make them look like ear muffs and I say I was the male princess laia. It was a blast!
Donny- So should we eat this plastic food?
Murtle- We’ll I’d like to find out where it came from before I decided
Jesse- Ya like if it’s expensive plastic I may eat it. Like Dijon plastic would be good.
Donny- Like Dijon ketchup that those barenaked ladies talk about!
The Weasel- we could use some bare naked ladies
Jesse- At least some bare naked jugglers. Jugglers can do amazing things!
Princess- I had a juggler at one of my parties one time.
Jesse- Really? A real life party?
Princess- Actually it consisted mostly of stuffed animals, but it great!
Jesse- Was there dancing?
Princess- Oh I danced with all the males.....and trust me there were no compliants. My dancing skills out due any of my hip hop all stars I promote, but I don’t tell them that so they don’t get their spirits down
Butler- I was once a world famous tango dancer. I was a member of the Scottish Tango League before I was a butler. We would travel the world doing tangos at famous balls.
Princess- Why’d you quit?
Butler- the stress. They kept increasing the tempo. They said people wanted to be more fit and they needed the tango to be more of an fitness activity. Well as this fitness craze kept going I just couldn’t kept up. My expertise was in slow tango, and the fast tango in my hands look more like a boogie woogie. (Pause and sniff) By the end they were calling me the Boogie woogie tango king. I just couldn’t take it. I left the company and decided to become a butler where you only watch people dance and don’t have to dance yourself, but whenever I see Mr. Shields dance at night with his ompalumpas a shiver goes down my spine reminding me of what could have been.
Princess- That’s breathtakingly sad!
Jesse- I’m going to seizer that was so sad!
Murlte- I had a seizer once!
Donny- yes this is all fine and good, but I want to know what I can eat!
The Weasel- I have an idea......Once I heard this story on a newsprogram on tv about a group of kids that could sit down at a dinner table and just by imagining food in front of them they could have any type of food they wanted. It was a mental trick. Now however if you don’t truely believe then you wouldn’t see anything and wouldn’t be able to eat anything. There was an adult that came to the table and he couldn;t see anything but when he started to believe....wow it was incredible what he saw
Jesse- I think i saw that news program too!
Princess- Ya me too!
Bertha- me three!
Butler- me four!
Murtle- me five!
Donny- me six. And you know why me six because it was in the movie hook starring robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman!
The weasel- oh right, ya I guess that won’t work for us
Burtha- you know how Robin willams talks, he talks like bam, scram squiggles, the I was talking to that guy outside, over there, he ran aways, monkeys, I’ll jump on your monkeys, let me touch your monkeys, hey halftime, spread , oh lost, damn there goes my moneys, I need more coke
Butler- Well I think I have had enough of your skimming. BeBut!
Bebut(the maid)- Oui monsieur butler form the scottish lands?
Butler- Give them the Dennys!
All- dennys!
Narrator- after the arrival of the dennys conversation hit an all time high. There was none. This lack of conversation made the houses noises become more apparent. There was no noise in this room. All of the other room had an abundance of noises like hooting owls, marbles dropping, neo Russian classical music blaring in all bathrooms and the like.  However, the noises that could be heard was the chopping of peoples mouths on the dennys food. At this moment the unexpected happen, and no this has nothing to do with a twister running threw the room, but it has everything to do with the lights. Yes the lights that people need to see in houses.....going out
Donny- Hey what’s going on?
The Weasel- hey hunny want to get close? I made this happen for us Bertha? Hey come on make some movement atleast......what what the heck it tee heck is going on?
Narrator- At that moment or possibly the next the lights came back on
The weasel- Oh my god, I’ve never tried it with a dead person before, not this week at least, Walt disneys corpse was the best!
Murtle- what on earth has happened to Bertha?
Butler- I don’ think anything on earth has happened to her. I think this is the work of the devil!
All- Gasp! Shock!
Narrator- What had happen to Bertha look like the work of a devil, or at least a crazy imp......she had been killed by a killer. The killer who had killed her had stuck her chopsticks up her nose so hard, it had pieced the little brain she had!
Burtle- Well ladies and gentlemen our dinner is over....Bebut!
Bebut- oui, monsieur butler form the scottish lands?
Butler- call the cops we’ve got a need for Detective Columbus
Bebut- oui, right away sir
Butler- Ok everyone, it’s time for bed, the fun is over. This is no longer the new toy r us like time magazine once proclaimed!
Narrator – In shock, Brain Sheild’s butler ushered the five remaining guests to the moveable stairs that lead to the bedrooms. Complete silence followed the guests through all of these rooms except for the loud computer simulated voice recordings in different tones of the wedding song here comes the bride.. which the butler confessed was practice for the great wedding brain shields was to have for his future bride that he had not yet met..
Butler (drunk)– This song will play for about another 4 hours or so and then will stop and it is loudest in the bedrooms so I hope you all can get used to it… or go mad… did you know that in Scotland the wedding song is also known as the mad mad song… it kinda reminds of potatoes… or is that Ireland, I’m not from Ireland am I, I don’t think that….
Narrator (inturpting the butler) – The butler…. Drunk by now.. started telling the guests old scotish tales of Indians and eskimoes from Scotland, however Jesse wasn’t listening, he noticed that Donny looked a little scared.. almost frightened…
Jesse – Donny Vanderbottom are you alright? You look scared.. almost frightened
Donny – I’m just so worried about my sweet sweet Henry, I mean he is lost out there somewhere.. in some far away never never land and I might never never see him again…
And Bertha… oh gosh Burtha.. she looked like a walrus with those chopsticks up in her brain and I don’t want to end up like a walrus..
Jesse – You know what animal looks like a walrus.. those little walrus shaped animal crackers.. people used to give me one or two when I was homeless on the street…I used to eat them…they tasted good…what if you ended up like one of those..
Donny – What! Don’t say that.. someone died here tonight… What if one of us goes next… We have to find a way to leave here…
Jesse – I’m not going home to my wife and kids.. I like it here..it reminds me of the mean streets of meansville Ontario… all of the meanies lived there.. besides you’re already on one of the moveable stairs.. goodnight Donny
Narrator – And on that very sad note… all of the guests had stepped on one of the many magical moveable stairs that were really not moving but only appeared to be because of the magnificent array of colors each contained and each guest was whisked away to their bedroom humming (hum the here comes the bride tune) ….
As night approached.. quiet wonder was in the air… wonder for henry blanco that mysterious catcher.. wonder for the death of burtha buloogo…wonder for brinner and uniqueness from which it appeared.. wonder for brian shields and the release of musics greatest masterpiece.. but most of all. Wonder for what was too happen tomorrow… when the guests were to awake… wonderful isn’t it?

Narator- 638 am, the music started playing. Against the loud hum of the here comes the bride tune, Brian Shields voice began to echo through the walls of the 5 bedrooms, awaking each guest from there midnight slumbers.
Brian Shields- Umpalumpas, shout…shout…shout, arise and wake my little prepubescent pretties, Thank you all for being here, I am unable to attend todays festivities as last nights death has inspired me like fire to add another track to my soon to be heard masterpiece, the song is about flowers and lilies, I’m sure you will all enjoy it. Now do not fright my prepubescent dearlings, as I will let you fawn and touch me wherever you please later this evening, and also there should be no more murders. Now if you could all meet in the great grand hall, the butler has shotguns and pistols for your breakfast activity. Good hunting
Narator – Hearing the chance of improper touching, all of the perverts known as guests, immediately, prepared for the day. On a side note, I once knew a pervert, he used to watch me read books, read books allowed, read books allowed in a library, read books aloud in a library full of books, he was a painter.
Mertel took the longest to arrive at the meeting place. She was wearing long johns and a knitted sweater that she nit for herself out of alf, that crazy alien that tried to eat her cats, not bats but cats. She had to knit the sweater before arriving and even with her guniness book of world records title of fastest knitter of alien garments she was delayed by the skinning of the small man wearing the costume.
Jesse spent the night awake as he had found the stash of rockets Donnny was asking about earlier. The high sugar content was more potent then the usual garbage bin findings he still made his wife serve him every night. Remember he was a homeless. A homeless man.
Donny was the last to wake as he was deep in sleep with sexual fantasies about Henry Blanco. They involved a catchers mitt, some big league chew gum, and a Frisbee.
Henry Blanco was still missing.
The Princess found an internet outlet where she played the thrilling bodatious, paper boy like surfing game, where she surfed her way to profit by setting up salmon fishing nets to catch those evil sea dolphins. Clearly the downfall of atlantis, She hated these dolphins more than anything. There enormous gurth and high quantity of sea manure had ruined the once prosperous land for obvious reasons. Dolphins are perfect. Bitch.
The Weasel began filming a new reality show in his room called, The Weasels Wild room. He was the host, contestent and unfortunate loser of the series. He found himself to be cheating in a weasily sort of way, and spent the night voted outside his room. He was later voted back in along with the veteran of reality series… the kid from Webster… because of low ratings.
Bertha was dead.
The guests then found themselves in the great grand hall where greatness is only a stones throw away. There were no stones.
Butler- Ye merry men, better be ready for a fantastical killing spree today all
All – GASP
Butler- Not exactly like yesterday, there will be more killing
ALL – GASP
Butler – Who stole my biscuits
BeBut – Calm down monsieur butler form the scottish lands
Butler – Calm down, Calm down, CALM DOWN!!!!!! Ok
Donny –What is this about, I have an ulcer
Murtle – did you say an acorn, I could die for an acorn
Weasel – The reason why I went into television was because of chip chip chip chip and dale, they stole many an acorn, they taught me that stealing is great, and that’s why I stole Walt Disney’s body and had sex with him. Sorry Walt if your hearing it up there… but you were good. Real good, Bones are so sexy. Like it’s the next step after heroin shiek.
Princess – do you have heroin?
Jesse – that’s what I used to ask for on the street, I was a high class bum, no crack for me.
Butler – you said crack, haha
Jesse – haha
Narator – every but Donny laughed, as cracks are funny
Butler – Today we are going for a hunt, a fox hunt, where we’ve sent out all the pretty ladies of the town, they’ve consented to be killed for there rightful 15 minutes of fame.
Bebut- monsieur butler form the scottish land, Mr. Shields meant animal fox
Butler –Yeah those foxy ladies were animals all right,
Bebut – hmmm
Butler – It was an honest mistake, I was drunk, I actually though I brought home some animals, you know I prefer them anyways
Weasel – That reminds me of the new show I’m working on, beastialiy the next generation, it aint just farmers and goats anylonger
Donny- I have three dogs
Butler –anyways, heres the objective; Bring home as many foxes as possible, dead or alive. I will be sending you into the enchanted forest where there are unimaginable, unbelievable, undeniable sights to be seen heard or get bored with. Since I am in the later category, the only excitement for me is staring at the floor in the tile room. There are so many colours, its really quite fasinating. I will send you with Hector the Brute, our groundskeep.
Narator – At this moment, noone appeared, but since I had began talking, they waited for a good 10, nah possibly 12 minutes, before Hector arrived, nothing interesting happened, except during this time England won the world cup of potery.
Hector – I am Hector the Brute, this is my story, Barbrah Walters style; I grew up on a farm, lots of goats, a few sheep, no dolphins although they are perfect,  god damn dolphins… pause… I grew up on a farm, my father was a banker, and would throw money at me, so I bought lots of steroids, I injected them jose conseco style, and now am cancer ridden, Theres lessons folks, much worse than throwing the orange juice in your eyes, orange juice stings, steroids kill. After getting my sight back from orange juice burns, I wandered the lands, selling wedding dresses and that’s how Mr. Shields found me. Trying to seduce a wife, the wife he thought would be his downfalling, he was wrong as he found a groundskeeper in me. There are unimanginable things as you will soon find out, unless you are blind where you might mistaken the whole events heard because you cannot see, but if you can see what I have seen, you will see and that’s all you will need, actually if you are blind just don’t come along. Blind people just don’t get it. Get some sight pricks. This ain’t no charity case. Now come along, our day has just begun.
Narrator –With that, the teary eyed quintuplet, set off after Hector.

Jesse – So how many foxes you killed Hector
Hector – I ain’t never killed a fox, Mr. Shields just said it would be a wonderful experience, A jimmy Hendrix experience (20 foxes start playing electric guitar, lighting on fire) Then after the bloddy killing we could all bath in there blood.
Weasel – You know those reality shows where they drink cows blood, I had this idea once, that I could get a group of contestants, all wanting to marry a vampire, a very rich vampire
Princess – Donald Trump rich
Weasel – No more like Tony Danza rich
Princess – Oh even better, I’d let him show me who’s the boss
Murtle – oh I hear that hunny, one time at work, I let my boss, show me his boss, it was amazing
Weasel – Yeah this Tony Trump like character who eats people, He’s a vampire so I guess he doesn’t eat people, but he does drink there blood, So after a series of events like bikini steeplechase, making the most of his investments and an envelope licking contest, wow that envelope licking contest was the hardest thing I had to watch
Jesse – So you actually made this show
Weasel – yeah but they wouldn’t let me air it because of the final event, watching the tony danza vampire drink all the girls blood until the last survivor became his wife. (Tony danza vampire drinks girls blood and says “ahhh you’re my coca cola classic baby” girl looks discusting and terrible “yelps thanks)
All – gasp
Weasel – I don’t know why they took it off the air, I mean it was fair, they all had the same amount of blood taken out of them, We even proportioned it to body weight
Murtle – Oh lord that’s terrible, I hate shows with survivors
Hector – Well don’t worry today mertle, We’ll kill all those guitar wielding foxes, I hate hippys
Narrator – Hector began handing shotguns out to all the guests like a red neck father hands out shot guns to his first born boy.
Mertle – Yee Hah Grannys got her shot gun now, gonna have me my first blood bath since I was twelve, Got sprayed by a skunk, they say tomato sauce, I say blood (her brother back in the depression dies, her dad says I got too many kids to feed, and my daughter smells, better kill one of the boys, only way to get rid of that smell)
Mertle – and I’ve never smelt again
Jesse- Carcass, you’ve never smelt a carcass
Princess – Don’t they smell like fish, I’m gonna kill those dolphins( show dolphins in the corner smiling and laughing at her as they play volleyball)
Donny – This is more what I was expecting going on this trip
Princess – You too?
Donny – Yes I was expecting to travel down streets with no names on a beautiful day a Sunday, A bloody Sunday, But so far I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
Princess – You too?
Donny – You too?
Princess – You Too (getting more harmonious)
Donny – You too
Hector – Walk on (Donny begins to leave into the enchanted forest and the princess follows him)
Mertle – Cum’on everyone here come some foxes (mertle goes on a shooting spree, killing most of the foxes, no one else moves)

Jesse – I’ve seen enough killing back on the street, damn gang bangers
Weasel – Gang bang
Jesse – Only my bottle of whisky could hide the nightmares
Weasel – so your homeless right
Jesse –yeah, so ,
Weasel – well you don’t have to answer this, but I’ve always just wondered, wheres the best place to go to the bathroom? Do  you save up nickels and dimes to buy toilet paper, or do you just use leaves
Jesse – Why do you need any of these, get a thick pair of pants, you’re set, you know old navy just came out with those rear entry pants, they’re mighty handy, good for dumpin
Weasel – yeah they would be, I’ll have to think about that, I’ve been wasting a lot of time
Mertle – (covered in fox blood) Get shootin, I need more blood, I’m startin to smell, get shootin or I’ll shoot you
Hector – Calm down Mertle, Killing things just isn’t gonna bring you’re boyfriend or whatever back, besides bathing in foxes blood isn’t the same as bathing is human blood (flashes to a science lab where a scientist says “And did you know that if you breed a male human with a female fox, the fox will probably die, however if you breed a male fox with a female fox, you get gods gift of creation”)
Mertle – Hector you’re right, I shouldn’t be killing these foxes (as he lay in a pool of dead foxes) I should be bathing in the blood of my kin, (turns and points the shot gun at jesse), goodbye Jesse
Hector – Wait Mertle, Murder doesn’t solve problems
Mertle – It doesn’t?
Hector – (flash back to when he was a little boy (a huge little boy)) Hector injects himself with a needle and walks up to three smaller fat kids (hector looks huge and is ripped like a gym nut),
Hector - “Are you calling me fat”
Kids – “No”
Hector – “you just called me fat” (he starts beating the crap out of the kids and it looks like he’s going to kill them) (Hectors mom walks out)
Hectors mom (yelling)- Hector!, quit playing murder, You’re not getting any cream corn tonight if you don’t come in right now
Hector – but mom (all whiney)
(hectors mom hits him over the head with an oven roller) (flash back over)
Hector- So you see Mertle, if you want to solve problems, you just have to eat some delious cream corn
Weasel – I like it from a can best
Hector – No its better from the field
Mertle – oh ok, well can I have some
Hector – I believe Mr. Shields has some in his cubbortyards, I’ll go fetch some right now
Jesse – (Looking scared and giving Mertle a stare) – I’m coming too
(Jesses and Hector begin to walk off towards the mansion)
Weasel – I made a reality show once about old people. I called it The Old Wisers Show and all of the old people were sent on different game shows to see which one was the wisest. Really the winner was the first one to figure out I was switching all of their pills at night